Different

Every semester is different. You hang out with slightly different people. You have different classes. The weather is constantly changing. God emphasizes different themes in you life.

This semester I have definitely learned more of God's faithfulness and of His glorious redemption.

I have also learned that I am the one mentioned in Galatians 6:3, "For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself." I sat at a higher table just to find that I was assigned to be seated much lower. My pride blew up. I let satan tell me that I was a big deal, that everything I said was dripping with wisdom and that I was really learning how to love people and was doing a good job. Lies, all of it. Truth is, I have just been full of myself most of this semester. God has done His best to bring me back to reality though.

I have had to drop a class for the first time ever. I almost thought I wasn't going to be able to complete a class this semester. I have failed at being the roommate and friend God has called me to be. I have had my moments of letting Him shine through, but I feel like for the most part I was trying to shine so hard on my own I eclipsed anything He was trying to do.

I have been going hard this semester, mostly striving on my own rather than being poured out for the Lord. The semester started with so much promise. I prayed to be poured out, and be to a background player, now matter how thankless my actions were.

But I gave up.

It was hard. I was tired or trying. I got busy. I gave up.

As I sit here and think over the semester I feel like I have grown, but only in the fact that now I realize how unimportant I am, how much I don't have this whole Christian thing figured out. I am not as big of a deal as I thought I was. I am nothing really. I am spoiled, selfish, lazy, and unwise with my words. I am a failure. I don't really know if this is the real me or if the Kelley of Japan is the real me. Have I digressed? Was I ever really anything?

Last week, I heard one of the most life changing sermons I have ever been privilege to hear. It was over Galatians 5:16-26. The message I really came away with is that we are called to just walk. We don't have to follow any formulas. We don't have to prove anything. There are no prerecs. We just walk in the Spirit. He promises to guide us every step of the way. And we shouldn't lose heart when we fall, we are just learning how to walk, we are not perfect. We do not just wake up one morning with the ability to run a mile. We must learn. And it not an easy process, it is hard and sometimes it hurts. But in the end, walking is always better than crawling or staying still.

Yes, I am a failure. I am a selfish brat. But God gives more grace. He is working, He is molding. It usually takes me falling on my face for me to finally get something. This is one of those times. I prayed for humility and play the background. After a while of ignoring His call, God has set me straight. I have had an amazing opportunity to see God move in big ways, especially lately. I am learning how to be free from religion. I am learning how to serve and love. I am learning how much nothing I really am. Every thing I am is from Him anyway. He has provided. He have been faithful. He has redeemed everything I have screwed up this semester, and I know He will continue to do so. It may not be in my timing or my way, but He always does what He says He will. I am thankful for being shown that I am an absolute wretch. I now have more room to praise God for who He is and how much He loves us.

I am learning how to die. It is hard, but it is beautiful. I pray that by the end of the year I am unrecognizable because God has transformed me so much. I pray I don't get in the way more than I alreay have. I want to die completely, I want to live the complete surrender of people like Paul, Eric Liddell and Jim Elliot.

I want to fade into a deeper beauty. By His grace, one day I will.